Thoughts from 2007
10 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
I love the fact that I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. I went through some old stuff today and realize that I’m so strong and managed to create my own happiness. My decision to stay single until I managed to get myself in a better shape is most likely the best decision I ever made. Anyways, I want to share them open on the net. Some of it are written to some special people in my life, no names though, that part I keep to myself 
2007-02-27
I am so sad, lonely, troubled, exhausted.
Can you please teach me how to deal with all this
Help me understand how I can be stronger to stand up against all this.
I’m falling down, I cannot keep myself up.
I need you, I need your way of making me believe that everything is going to be ok.
I want you to hold me I want to feel you comforting me and keep me strong.
I need you to have hope for me, please don’t give up on me.
I cannot help myself without you.
I wish I were as important to you as you are for me.
I try my best to be, but I’m to scared to be close to you
I promise that I won’t be dependent on you and hold you to tight.
I promise you that I will slowly stand on my own legs.
I will do everything to be strong enough.
Please make me feel beautiful. I don’t want to feel like this about myself.
Please don’t hurt me like people did in my past.
Can you please make me open up to you and finally have someone I can trust.
Please help me create good memories
I wish that this were easier for me.
But I guess that if you weren’t so special and important to me it would be easier.
2007-03-03
I want this.
Why am I feeling like this?
Why am I doing this to myself?
I want to change.
Why can’t I change?
Why do I stop myself?
I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything.
Fuck this, fuck everything, I give up.
Why do I even bother, it will not get better anyway.
I can not make this better, I don’t know how to make this better.
I tried, I tried so many times.
Why can I not be better, why?
I’m just going to let everything get worse and laugh about it.
This is just as pathetic as it can be.
Next time I fuck up I will just laugh.
You know, you should give up on me.
Otherwise you might get fucked up too.
2007-06-06
Ego… maybe
Lonely… yeah
If I don’t think about me, who should?
If I don’t talk about me, who would?
Angry… not really
Sad… mostly
If I don’t scream, I will cry…
If I start to cry, I can’t stop…
Moody… no
Exhausted… yes
I lost my energy; do you know anyone who cares?
I need my energy back; do you know anyone who can help me?
I don’t even recognize myself reading all this, but I was also sick during that time, from Celiaki. I guess only getting 20% nutrients of the few things I ate completely fucked me up 
It didn’t kill me, I’m happy like a fat kid with cake And I realized that I have gown so much. And I would advice anyone to write down stuff, specially the bad things you are experiencing at the moment
Happiness cause jealousy
08 May 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Life
I’ve had a really shitty life, which I’m not very keen to share open on internet. But you can trust me when I say that I have been through a lot of trauma, emotionally and physical damage. I have been laughed at, people seem to have loved to see me suffer, and make me suffer. I spent nights crying, days hating my life. I’ve been so sick that I been up for several days in a row, so tired that I haven’t been able to get up from bed and eat to get some energy. I’ve been hiding inside, terrified to get out my door. I’ve been told I was ugly, disgusting, useless, stupid, not being able to do anything. I learned that karma does not exist, that when people are bad towards you, they wont get something bad back, they just move on with their lives without even feeling bad for what they’ve done to you. They just enjoy it.
But I’m strong, I’m confident, I like myself the way I am, even though most people seem to have an issue with me. I am me, I am real and I wont change for you, so get over it. You cannot force me to be or do anything, I will not follow your orders and I wont take shit from anyone. So people please stop to try to control me and my life, because it’s never gonna happen. I’ve been fighting so hard to be where I am today, and a few times I’ve just been lucky. That’s life, don’t be jealous because someone got lucky, don’t hate. It’s not really difficult to actually feel joy for someone else’s happiness, you should try it.
And just a warning, now that I got my dream, the only thing I want in life, something to actually live for. Do not try to destroy it for me because I had enough shit and I will bring you down, way down. I will be your karma. So, stand next to me or get the fuck away. No one can destroy this, and for the record, I am worth it.
You think you have a hard life?
24 Feb 2011 1 Comment
in The Life
Every day 3000 Africans die from malaria
At least 50 million people go to bed hungry
93 million children cannot go to school
100 000 people starve to death every day
24 000 children die every day due to poverty
But yes, I can see why you need an iPhone. It must be hard to have a headache. And yes, the food they provide you with in school does taste rather horrible.
Those are just a few facts… just a few.
Enough is enough
10 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Life
We always come to a point in life when we get completely fed up, and then… we change.
Lately it has come to my notice that people lie a hell of a lot to me, I don’t like that. And when I get that kind of response from people over and over again I get so angry that it’s beyond words.
I love everyone the same, there is no order in my life. I do all I can to help and I always care too much. My big weakness in life seems to be just this. It should be a strength!! But people are so ugly inside, it’s really horrible. Just because I’m nice and don’t want to put limits on people around me I get to be the one who always have to take crap I did not deserve!
And to be honest, I don’t really give a shit what other people think and feel about it. Love and respect me or just fuck off. I really had enough and I don’t feel like I lose something.
I blocked people who I really had it with, and I will keep blocking and blocking until I can live in harmony with love and respect. I never felt that I’m better than other people, we are all the same and should be treated the same. I know from experience that if I keep the people who such me dry on energy in my life, I will also become horrible.
So, fuck off, leave me alone and let me have a happy life. This is the last time I will get angry and waste energy on this.
Two circles and a line of life
18 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Life
We need balance, but that is the interesting thing in life, because it is so hard to maintain. We cannot control our lives, only our reactions, choices, thoughts.
THE POSITIVE CIRCLE:
We seek positivity, we get positivity (hopefully). There will always be people from the negative circle that get jealous and try to destroy the positivity. When we get confirmations of our positive actions we get addicted to the positivity. It’s a lovely way of life, it’s warm, nice and fun. We want to hug everyone and tell them how beautiful they are. In this case we avoid the negativity, wich later on can cause issues.If we suddenly get dragged down into negativity, it will feel twice as bad.
THE NEGATIVE CIRCLE:
Same but different, we seek negativity, we are addicted. Some people are not aware that they are doing this. I guess it’s a matter of what we are used to. And most people don’t like things to be different from what it is. This is a rather interesting circle and much more complex than the positive one. Because when someone is in pain they are happy. They like when other people are feeling worse than they are. The find fights and drama exiting and get high on those feelings. Just as addicted as the positive seeker they usually complain about how much pain they are in, and love the attention and responses. They like to be in trouble, when something wonderful happens they panic and try their best to destroy the positivity.
THE LINE:
We take small baby steps in life on the thin thin line, we have to be carefull to not trip into either side of the circles. This is harmony and balance. Not too good nor bad. We can handle most situations that life throws at us and we are not addicted to energies. We are strong.
But it’s hard to stay in the line and we all do mistakes along the way. The important thing is not to stay in the circles for too long because the longer we stay, the worse it gets.
And we all need love, compliments, confirmations that we are good enough. We have to give ourselves this, but sometimes we need help from others. And most people need more love than they deserve.
Amsterdam
01 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Life
Oh, I really miss Amsterdam!
It truly is my place in this world, it’s my home
But I gotta do my studies, and life can’t always be fun. One day I will move back there, and I will be very very happy
If it was nice and warn, white beaches and darkblue oceans it would be the greatest place in this world! Yeah, that would be epic!
Beautiful people
29 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in The Life
I’m a can of crazy, confused most of the time. I don’t really know what I want to do and change my mind constantly. I’m kinda like Alice in Wonderland, but instead of thinking about ten impossible things before breakfast, I think about ten things I can do with my life. Most people facepalm and sigh and shake their heads when I come up with stuff I want to do. They are telling me to stop dreaming, step out from my illusions and realize that I cannot do what I want to do. They have no belief in me or my dreams.
But I have some amazing people out there! And they believe in me and tell me to fight for what I want to do. That I can do anything I put my mind to. They love every bit of me, both bad and good. They support me, even if they think it is a bad idea. Because they know that they don’t have to understand what I’m doing. The important thing is that I understand. And if I don’t try to find my way in this life, I will also never find it.
They are my inspiration, and they make my life worth living. Those people are the ones I love with all of my heart
Boys will always be boys
13 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in The Life
I’m fed up with all the gorillas! Showing off how strong they are, competing with each other!
WHHAAAA, Look at me and my big dick! WHHAAAA, my woman, no touch!
Seriously, there is nothing on this earth that I find more discounting. Are we suppose to enjoy this in any way?? Come on!
If anyone scroll by and read this… Let me give you a list of what a true man is. It goes like this:
Oh, btw! I don’t speak for all woman now. Just me, and a whole lot more!
First off all I want to make one thing really clear for all men out there! If you treat a woman like a princess, she will act like a princess. If you on the other hand treat a woman like a bitch, congratulations! You just got a bitch after you.
No, a real man is not afraid. He love and respect her and are not scared of showing off his “sissy sides” as the gorilla man call it. Breakfast on bed,open car-doors, holding up doors, tell her how beautiful she is, what wonderful and amazing person she is. Just showing off the love that he feels for her. He don’t do the stupid competitions with other man, owning his woman. Nope, those are the gorillas again. “Fighting for his woman”. No, no fighting!
But the main thing here is that the man is the man he is. Not pretending to be something he isn’t. SO, if you don’t have any kind of romantic sides, don’t bother.
The gorillas seem to see woman as an object to stick his big dick into. Hard and fast to show off his muscles and stamina. And afterwards sleep, when he is done. He don’t care about her or what she likes. There is no thankfulness at all. “Woman, go make me food, me hungry WHAAAAA”
Let me tell you a secret, what you give is what you get…
Man gives woman romance and love <-> Woman gives man amazing sex
If you love someone, you take care of them and spoil them. Spoiling doesn’t cost money, it cost care. You can never own a person, enough said! Over and out!
Jag älskar salt!
08 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
Jag hatar inte livet idag! Jag älskar det! Jippie!
Mitt hår är som svinto, jag är så lycklig! 
Jag ville gärna gråta när jag fick spendera 6 timmar med att virka fast en himla massa lös hår och dreads som släpper efter varje hårtvätt. Då känner man sig mer eller mindre emo, faktiskt.
Men, att vräka i en massa salt o lite limesaft i vatten, koka och tippa över hela huvet (efter det svalnat alltså) gör susen! Dredsen bara drog ihop sig, o det var minre lösa hår än om jag skulle virkat efter vanlig hårtvätt <3
Livet, idag är du fint!
Salt, jag älskar dig!
Porr
06 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in The Life
Satt o halvkollade på “Kvinnors hemliga liv” medans jag virkade mina dreads. Då började jag tänka på ett avsnitt jag såg för länge sen av “Outsiders”.
Alltså, det här är så komiskt, och så sinnesjukt att dom ens visade det Hur som haver, det var någon brud som bodde i ett mindre samhälle som hållt på me porr länge. Men nu hade hon kommit fram till att hon inte ville att hennes barn skulle få lida utav hennes porrfilmer. Och vad gör människan, förutom att berätta allt på en dokumentärserie där folk som jag som kanske inte kollar på porr direkt faktiskt ser. Familjer och sådant
Jo, hon öppnade ett egen porraffär i den lilla staden hon bodde, där hon även sålde porrfilmer signerade av henne. Hon var ju stjärnan i filmen, visade hon stolt upp!
Jadu lilla hjärtat, att äga porr buktik en sådant litet samhälle och göra så gör nog inte ryktet bättre gällande dina barn. Inte gå ut med allt offentligt på en dokumentär serie heller.
Jag tror att du vill att ALLA ska veta och skiter i att dina barn blir mobbade i skolan för du varit me i en massa porrfilmer.
Undrar vem hon försökte lura?
